No Light In Your Bright Blue Eyes
by Starkid-Hope
Summary: High School!AU. It's been almost a year, and yet that look still lingers in his eyes. It breaks Dean's heart. Destiel one-shot.


**Okay, so... I originally made this for my friend but I decided to put it on here. I was thinking about making it a full-blown story, but that's only if I get good feedback from people saying they would like that. So... if you do, just review or PM me or something and tell me! :)**

**~Starkid-Hope**

* * *

No Light In Your Bright Blue Eyes

"No light, no light in your bright blue eyes  
I never knew daylight could be so violent  
A revelation in the light of day  
You can't choose what stays and what fades away"  
~"No Light, No Light" Florence and the Machines

Dean Winchester loved Castiel Novak more than was humanly possible. But, Castiel absolutely despised him. So, Castiel was the ultimate of forbidden fruit. He was the apple to Dean's Eve. But Castiel himself was also the snake . . . tempting Dean with his deep blue eyes and overall appearance. There was not a single part on Castiel that did not make Dean all hot and bothered.

Castiel did not know this, of course. That would be embarrassing if he knew about all the times Dean woke up, his pajama bottoms soaked through after dreams of Castiel writhing underneath him in absolute ecstasy . . .

"Winchester!"

Okay, so, fantasizing about Castiel Novak in the middle of class was not the best idea. Reasons being 1.) the teacher's going to know that you're not paying attention when you're drooling and staring into space 2.) there is always an inevitable hard-on at the thought of Castiel in the throes of sex and 3.) it's even more awkward if the teacher is a friend of the family.

"Y-yeah?" Dean stuttered out to his world civ teacher and friend, Gabe. Gabe looked at him with a raised eyebrow and his ever-present smirk, like he knew what was going through Dean's mind. Dean's face instantly grew three shades of red and he looked down at his textbook.

"Just . . . stay after class, will you?" Gabe asked Dean. Dean nodded and murmured a short "yes sir," not risking looking up.

For the remainder of the class, Dean made sure that his thoughts never drifted back to Castiel, and he thought, rather pointedly, about other, non-sexual things. For example, he thought of his friend Jo, and, while the dark thoughts almost made him physically sick, they did the trick.

When the bell rang, Dean slowly gathered his things and walked to the front of the room. Gabe sat in his chair, talking animatedly with Castiel. Dean heard the end of their conversation when he came to stop in front Gabe's desk.

" . . . I'll see you at home, Gabe," Castiel muttered angrily, making a large point of not looking at Dean as he tried to walk away quickly.

"Whoa, Cas, wait," Gabe said hurriedly, trying to get the boy to stop. "C'mon, little bro, don't be mad! I know it's not an ideal solution, but please . . . Give him another chance!"

Just then, Castiel's eyes met Dean's and he could swear his heart stopped altogether. Dean never really got a chance to look into Castiel's eyes anymore, so he never really had a chance to get used to the tightness his chest experienced or the butterflies that erupted in his stomach every time it happened.

But Dean regained control of himself when he realized that the look in Castiel eyes was anything but friendly and warm. He looked at Dean with such a ferocity that it startled Dean. Dean's chest constricted even more when he remembered why.

Dean barely remembered his mother. She died in a freak house fire when he was four years old and his brother, Sam, was a mere six months old. But there were things that would never leave his memory.

Dean would always remember her voice when she would sing "Hey Jude" to him when he couldn't sleep. He would always remember her eyes, the same green as his own, when she laughed. They always looked the prettiest then. He remembered her silky blonde hair, hair that his stubby toddler fingers could never stop playing with. He would never forget her smile or how it lit up the entire room.

So when Dean met Jo Harvelle, her smile radiant and her blonde hair so positively soft-looking, it was hard for him not to fall in love with her. She was everything his mother was, and he so desperately craved a woman that was like his mother, so soft and caring. And it wasn't long before the two of them became inseperable.

Wherever Jo was, Dean was there. Dean was sure she was the one. He was always touching her, whether it be holding hands or stroking her cheek or kissing her lips, he held onto her for dear life, worried that something might happen to her.

* * *

_Incidentally, it was through Jo that Dean met Castiel. They were at a church gathering. Jo wasn't a hardcore Christian, but she liked to go to church to feel better about all the bullshit that happened to her in the past. At least, that's what she said._

_Anyway, Dean met Castiel near the concessions table. Dean was standing there in front of the table, a continuous stream of food being shoved into his mouth to avoid conversation with people. Then, up walked a boy Dean had seen around school once or twice, but had never had any classes with._

_"You're Jo's boyfriend, right?" the boy's deep, gravelly voice broke the silence and startled Dean._

_"Mm-hmm," was all Dean could manage with half a burger stuffed into his mouth._

_The boy nodded once. There was a long pause before, "Is it normal for a boyfriend and a girlfriend to grope each other on the front porch for everyone to see?"_

_Dean nearly choked on his burger at the boy's blunt question. After a second of struggling to swallow the lump of hamburger meat in his throat, Dean turned to the boy and gave him a questioning look. "Look, dude, I don't know if you know how to interact with people, but that's . . . not something you just . . . ask."_

_Around the middle of Dean's mini rant, the boy had tilted his head, his bue eyes wide and his pink lips parted slightly. There was a sudden tug in Dean chest and he had the overwhelming urge to press his lips to the boy's. Dean didn't know where that had come from. _He had a girlfriend._ But it still seemed like it would be nice. The boy's voice shook Dean out of his reverie._

_"Well, I was merely curious because y-"_

_"Look," Dean interrupted harshly, "it's none of your business, okay? So just, shut your cakehole, why don't you."_

_Just as Dean was about to walk away from the strange boy, Jo came walking up, squealing unintelligible words and squeezing the boy tightly._

_"Cas!" she exclaimed. "I thought you weren't going to be back in time for this! Oh, it's so good to see you!"_

_"Cas" chuckled and squeezed her back. "It's good to see you, as well, Jo."_

_Jo broke away from the boy and grasped Dean's arm. "Dean, I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine, Castiel Novak. Cas, this is my boyfriend, Dean Winchester."_

_She looked on as the boys awkwardly gave a handshake, mostly to please her. As the night progressed however, the conversation between the two boys grew more comfortable, till they, too, were nearly inseperable._

* * *

The two boys were always content just hanging out together and talking about their lives. Castiel, for example, basically told Dean his whole life story. He told Dean of how he'd moved only two months before to Lawrence because his father got a job as a priest in a local church and his brother Gabriel was going to the local university for a degree in teaching. Castiel told Dean of his four older brothers, Michael, Lucifer, Raphael, and Gabriel, and his one older sister, Anna. He told Dean of how they were all named after the angel whose day they were born on.

Dean, in turn, told Castiel of his little brother, Sam, who would be in high school with them the next year, and gloated on how smart he was. And on one particularly emotional night, Dean told Castiel of his mother's passing when he was little and how, now, his father, John, was never home. He told him of how John was always at bars and getting drunk, still trying to drown out the memories of his dead wife and taking everything out on Dean for Sam not being raised properly. That was the first time Castiel saw Dean cry.

Dean couldn't help falling for Cas. Cas's eyes were just too blue, his lips to enticing, his overly large trenchcoat made him too adorable. Dean admitted to himself that he fell in love with Cas. But he didn't want to hurt Jo. He loved her . . . but like a sister. Nothing more. To be honest, he never loved her like that. Sure, he fell in love with her . . . but in a brother/sister way, if that made sense.

Dean didn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt Jo, but after that, it wasn't just Jo and Dean at the movies. Castiel was there with them, enraptured in the ongoings up on the screen.

It wasn't just the couple at a shitty diner. Castiel went with them. It was at one of these that Castiel had his first cheeseburger. As his parents were strict vegans, they'd forced the same fate onto their children. So, Castiel had never had a burger before. Of course, Dean made sure to change that.

It wasn't just Dean and Jo anymore, just talking on the phone together about silly little nothings. They taught Castiel how to have a three-way phone conversation. And soon, it was the three friends. They were the three musketeers. There was never any two alone. All of them were always together, for everything.

Except for that night.

* * *

_Dean got news from another student at school that there was to be a party that weekend. Celebrating what, Dean didn't know, but it sounded like a good idea. Finals were two weeks awayand he wanted the friends to have a little fun before everything turned serious. Cas, however, had not agreed as they all talked it over on the phone._

_"I don't know, Dean," Castiel sighed. "There'll be alcohol there, no doubt, and I know you, Dean. You won't turn it down."_

_Dean groaned and flopped down on his bed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That's not the point, Cas. This'll be the only other opportunity we'll have for all of us to spend time together before finals."_

_"Yeah, c'mon, Cas," Jo piped up and taking Dean's side. "The next two weeks are going to be torturous. We might as well have some fun while we can."_

_"You both know how my parents are. I tell you all the time." Castiel spoke up. "Even if I wanted to go, they would never allow it. They think that all high school parties wind up with copious amounts of alcohol and orgies."_

_"Puh-lease," Dean scoffed. "If _all_ high school parties had tons of booze and sex, I would definitely be going to more of them."_

_On the other ends of the line, Dean heard Jo groan and Castiel mutter a small, "And this is why you've never met my parents."_

_"Fine," Dean sighed. "Cas is out of the equation. Jo, you still wanna go?"_

_"Sure," Jo said happily._

_After a curt goodbye from Castiel, and some plans arranged between him and Jo, Dean was staring up at his ceiling, bored out of his mind, and more than slightly disappointed that Castiel would not be going with him and Jo to the party._

* * *

That night did not turn out like Dean had expected. That night turned into a living nightmare.

If only Dean hadn't gotten positively shitfaced. If only he hadn't drunk-dialed Cas and telling him of his inescapable attraction towards him. If only he hadn't let Jo storm out of the party after overhearing. If only he hadn't brought up the idea of the party in the first place.

Maybe then Jo would still be alive.

Dean remembered the call at 7:15 a.m. that horrible Saturday morning. He remembered the numbness that crawled through him, eating him alive when he heard the officer say it. He remembered dropping the phone and leaning against the wall because without it, he would surely collapse. He remembered it had to be Sam to finish the phone call. He remembered the words that ended his whole world.

"_Mr. Winchester, I am so sorry to inform you that JoAnna Harvelle has been pronounced dead at 2:23 a.m. this morning."_

* * *

Castiel hadn't spoken to Dean since the funeral. And only then it was to yell at him.

_"I told you it wasn't a good idea, Dean! Why did you even allow her to leave? What the hell was going through your head?"_

Dean hadn't known what to say to that. So he did the only thing he could think of. Dean kissed Cas.

Dean kissed Castiel like it was his last moment on earth. All the frustration and all the sadness and all the guilt from the past couple of days was thrown into that kiss. It was rough and not at all what Dean had dreamed their first kiss would be like.

But Cas had retaliated. Cas had kissed Dean back.

Dean hadn't realized he was crying until he tasted the bitter saltiness on Cas's tongue. He pulled away after that and sobbed into Cas's shoulder, and Cas patted his back. Dean thought it would be different then. He thought that, together, they would grieve over Jo. But after Dean had cried it all out, Castiel had looked him in the eyes. Where there used to be warmth and beauty, Dean could only find coldness and hatred.

"_Don't ever kiss me again, Dean."_

* * *

Castiel looked at Dean now with desperation in his eyes.

"Gabriel, don't make me do this," Castiel begged his older brother. "I can't do this right now. Please. It still hurts too much."

Gabriel held up a hand, silencing Castiel. "Cas, as your brother, I need to look out for you. You're not okay. Just fix this, Cas."

Castiel's eyes grew cold once again as his eyes turned back to Dean. "There's nothing to fix."

Dean braced himself for the heartbreak. But it didn't come. Instead, it was replaced by anger. "Look, Cas," Dean yelled. "I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry that I'm the reason Jo's dead. I'm sorry I kissed you. I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment. But, Jesus, Cas . . . I can't do anything about Jo being gone! If I could, I would. But I can't."

Castiel groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Dammit, Dean, I'm not mad that Jo's gone! I might've been mad about that at first, but now . . . She was only gone two days, Dean! You moved on after two days!"

"You . . . you think I kissed you because I was over her?" Dean asked, his voice full of venom. "Cas, I kissed you because . . . because I love you! And I needed you! I had just lost my best friend! I didn't kiss you because I was over her."

Castiel didn't speak for a long moment. During this long pause, Gabriel took it upon himself to leave the room awkwardly, causing both Castiel and Dean to grow red with embarrassment.

"Look, Cas," Dean sighed after a moment. "I'm sorry, I really am. If you don't forgive me right now, I really hope you find it in yourself to forgive me sometime. I can't stand that look in your eyes."

Cas gave Dean his famous tilted-head questioning look. "What look?"

"That look of . . . I don't know. You look heartbroken."

Castiel smiled at Dean and Dean's heart almost stopped, he could swear to it. "Dean, don't be absurd."

Dean's eyebrows knitted together in a look of confusion. "Why is that . . . _absurd_?"

"Because, Dean, all I really want to do is have you fuck me up against a wall."

Dean threw his head back in deep laughter. Partly because he never thought Cas would ever say 'fuck'. But mostly because it was as if Cas had read his mind.

Dean walked over to Cas and pressed his lips to his in a soft, sweet kiss.

"I love you, Cas."

"I love you, too, Dean."


End file.
